Embracing the Journey of Grief through an Overdose Widow
My God! I really don’t know where to begin, what I know is this road has been long and short, bumpy and smooth. I guess one could even say turbulent at times. Everything seems like yesterday, but it seems so far away since I heard his voice. Sometimes my mind is stuck between am I supposed to feel this way? and how do you bare this pain? I am so used to being the strong one, holding everything and everyone together, so use to holding him together and “fixing” him, now I feel so broken at times and who’s here to fix me? When they say you have a friend in Jesus, it was not a lie nor a game. Jesus is literally the only way that I survived this. It’s been 14 and a half months, and I am just at a point where I can actually sit and write about it all. Sure in the beginning you are busy planning the funeral, feeling numb, dealing with folks who pretend to care, but so easily move on with life. Creating a foundation kept me pretty busy, but what happens when you crash? What happens when you finally have to stop and listen to your emotions? What happens when you are tired of everyone saying I know how you feel, but talking over you when you are expressing how you feel? What happens when you realized that you still have a family to take care of even when he’s gone? What happens when you are tired of everyone comparing their grief to yours?
YOU SHUT DOWN!!!!! YOU ISOLATE!!!!! AND YOU CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT THIS IS THE ANSWER. Sure it feels good for the moment, but life has to move forward, and you have to pick up the pieces. But wait, now your brain is stuck. Nobody understands your thoughts; you can’t go back to work because you are stuck on all the should haves and could haves and why the hells. Then the anger sits in. Why would you do something so selfish to our son? Was it really worth it in the end? People always think that they know or knew your husband better than you. They have this notion that since they are family or close friends, they knew him better. No, you knew the facade that he gave you.
Noone understands what it’s like being married to an addict unless you have been married to an addict. A portion of your brain sees the person that you fell in love with, another portion of your brain sees the potential, other parts face the addiction, and a smaller part tries to convince yourself that it is not addiction he can just quit if he loves us. Then you are angry at all those who enable him, because you realize you are beating a dead horse. Noone understands or even cares about the disrespect that you took for years. You become the villain; you become problem because you are the only one who held him accountable. What does this have to do with grief? Past feelings and encounters navigate our perception of grief. It takes us down a road that is dark and lonely if we are not careful. Grief is hard enough, you don’t need the headache of his past enablers adding to your grief due to their guilt. It could also be that people don’t feel how you think that they feel, but because of your perceptions of the past, it can also shape your preception of grief and people around you.
Truth is, you are very valid in all of your feelings. Noone else understands what it’s like to set boundaries with your husband and stand on them and no one else understands when you have to make a decision rather to stay in that dark place with your spouse or save you and your kids. So you feel how you feel, then remember God promised to take care of the orphans, widows and fatherless. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 encourages believers in Christ to not grieve the same sorrow as those without hope, because those who have died in Christ will be resurrected and brought with Jesus when he returns. I heard a preacher, Rev. Johnson at Galilee Baptist Church say one time “Grief is dreaming backwards” meaning we have all these plans of what life should look like and all the thoughts of what would be, even tomorrow, but when you grieve it’s realizing that ALL those dreams are no longer. Grief is literally the price that we pay for love. Noone’s grief journey will ever be the same, each experience is unique. Embrace the journey. The highs, the lows, the anger, the laughter, the sweet dreams and even the dreams where you are trying to change time. Embrace it all. Don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve.
The part of me that I thought that I lost, God restored every part of me. It’s not easy, I would be lying if I said it was. But one thing that I know is that I have an even closer relationship God. Christ grieved Lazarus, so I know he understands my grief and I know that he keeps his promises.
An overdose widow is not to be ashamed, nor quiet. We are just as deserving of love and support as any other. We are a community!